lifts from livejournal

since this site looks better, i'm moving everything here....


Apr. 27th, 2006 02:15 am
half alive

It's quarter past two in the morning and I'm tired, and exhausted. I arrived in Manila about one in the afternoon and it feels like I never left at all. Maybe I shouldn't have in the first place. Now, work is piling up and things are becoming that monster that I was so scared when I was a kid.

I can still remember my chronic nightmare when I was a child. There was this giant hiding somewhere by the banana plants at the back of our old house. then he will enter the house though the kitchen and haunt me in my room. I will hide under my study desk and eventually wake-up. and things will be fine as I would tranfer to my parents' bed. He would always come back when I sleep the nights after. Until I would think of ways to get back at him... the only difference is that I am already awake when I get to device a scheme.

The bogeyman is back again... There are some nights that I am just afraid that I would just stay in my room. Trying to device a plan how to get back...

The whole time... I'm fully awake.



Apr. 24th, 2006 05:41 pm
i want to take a break!


It was a quiet day at the beach this afternoon. Sipping my coffee infront of Cafe Breizh (read: B-r-a-z... B-r-e-z, damn, i don't know how to type the icon!). It's a Monday afternoon and I decided not to go to work. Rather go to my detour point everytime I go home (to Antique [read: an-ti-ke, not an-tik or anything that is associated with old, ancient, of value... oh yes... land here is so cheap too] which will always be home for me).

It was a fast drive from our house in San Jose. Left at about quarter past five and by eight, my paerents, aunt and I found ourselves a hearty breakfast in Caticlan. I reached Boracay at about nine. Oh yes, I was wide awake already considering that when I am in Manila, I would still be in bed by that time. Had lunch with some friends which ended just now. Damn! It's almost six. It was already four in the afternoon and we were just halfway with dessert. If only things can really be slow, life would have been more fun.

Only now that we dispersed. Walking along the beach front pathway, I remembered Mel. This is where we first met. The thought gave me that melancholy smile. It was not so long ago. Yet things have turned so fast. A lot of things changed. I am not jobless anymore. Not like the first time we saw each other. My time has been at the mercy of my job for the last three years. Unlike before.

I wanted to drop everything off until tomorrow and not mind work. I was wrong. The first text I got today when I opened my phone was about work. The first person I talked to on the phone was my managing editor. I am here in this internet cafe to check my e-mails becuse my client wanted me to design something for them. It is Monday after all.

I have been longing for a break for the past three years. To enjoy one morning not worrying about anything. No deadlines, no pressures, no calls from anybody asking if I'm free the following day. Bottomline is, I still can not afford it. It's very painful to admit but I still can't afford it.

Having a vacation right now is a very expensive endeavor. Since you are given a limited time (five days or so), you tend to maximize it and go to places you have never been, do all the things you have been wanting to do ever since and yes, ending up more tired as compared to the regular days working. And the word 'rest' had a different meaning. Add to that, you're penniless.

Something is wrong somewhere.

It's sunset outside, I guess, that, I should somehow enjoy...

And as I was walking down the pathway, I remebered Mel. He doesn't have to work anymore.




Apr. 21st, 2006 05:04 am
for mel



The day started quite well yesterday. I had one of the most wonderful and productive meetings in my life with Michi C. The best thing about it, I never expected it to be like that. The work she's offering is something that I would actually agree doing for free. Of course, we are talking about metaphors! err, rather hyperboles. But one thing sure, it is something that I will enjoy greatly.

After the meeting, I ended up walking New Manila contemplating happy thoughts. I have two more meetings for the day. One at three, and the other at eight. It was lunch. Then a client called. She asked if we can move the meeting at five in the afternoon instead of three because she can not make it at an earlier time. I later found ot that she has to go to the salon to have her hair done by that time. I agreed thinking that I still have enough time to make it to the eight in the evening meeting.

Strolling down Gilmore, Hemady, I called my sister, wishfull that she's home. Several minutes later, found myself having tinola (boy, havent tasted this one for a loooong time) with her in Horseshoe. In the middle of the meal, sometime between the leg and pepper leaves with rice soaked in broth, my boss texted me. It was a forwarded message from the UP College of Home Economics asking everyone to pray for somebody who was found dead in his car along Commonwealth Avenue. It was a familiar name- Mel Vergel DeDios. Too familiar.

Mel and I met in Boracay some years ago. One of those nights by the very seductive beach of my second home. WE became friends since then. He followed me as I changed partners down to me changing jobs and addresses. I remembered, I needed a place to used for my shoot and he opened his unit to be my venue. This was followed by the launch of our business also done in his place. He maintained his doors unlocked everytime I need a place and his arms open everytime I need a hug. Or both. And even more.

I remembered one Christmas eve, he called me and said life is not important anymore and there is no purpose in living another day because the reason why he is still there left him. Little did I know, he was telling me this while clenching a bottle full of dormicum. He woke up the following day bearing my curses at him the night before and also the hang-over of an overdosage of sleeping tablets. Then he called me that afternoon saying that his adoptive children are actually enough reason why he is still alive. And I saw his eyes actually disappear as I imagined him smile.

Months later, I called him if he can make the wedding dress of my sister given a two-week allowance. Of course, of course with a very friendly tag price. Thai silk with illusion tulle bargained. I wanted my sister wear something haute made. Mel was the right person to approach. There were some glitches along the way, but the entire product was perfect. Made perfect as worn by a bride. It was one of the most beautiful weddings I have witnessed, which started at five thirty in the morning actually.

I wanted to see more of his work so I would always remind him to invite me to his shows which, apparently, I never did go to. If I am not too busy, I will only remember two hours after the show. I guess, I will never get to see any of his shows again.

He was found dead in his car yesterday morning. Hands and feet tied with cable wire. Neck strangled with the same material. The very material that I hate when used as clothesline. I was told that there were signs of the head being severed. I honestly don't know what caused the death but somehow I got the picture that it was violent. Something that is so far from the image of Mel in my mind. Gentle and kind. Soft spoken and generous. Genuine and loving.



It was lunchtime when my day stopped.

I went through the motions in catatonia and forgot that the hours are are actually passing. It's another day outside, the sun is about to rise yet I feel like yesterday never ended.





Apr. 19th, 2006 11:44 pm
another day


The smoke of a burning cigarette filled the austere space of Mocha Blends...

Oh no, I'm no Pete Lacaba or Nick Juaquin. By saying that, I was just worried that my clothes will smell like cigarette ashtrays the moment I leave this coffee place. No allusions nor metaphors.

I used to joke about the smoking area of the Manila Domestic Airport Terminal 1 primarily because you need not light a stick of Marlboro to get enough nicotine for that addictive rush. By the moment you enter the room, just inhale deeply and all the nicotine you need will envelope not only your lungs but your entirety. Little did I know that it is foretelling of the future of smoking areas in Metro Manila. Now, almost all coffee shops, bars, restaurants (if indeed they have one indoors) and videoke places have a similar smoking area as in terminal one.

The old faithful still lives. The same old, cramp, purely utilitarian carbon monoxide chamber still provides nicotine shots to it's avid patrons. Admittedly, I'm one. I will be there the day after tomorrow. Though i don't know if I will still be lighting a stick... Damn, of course I will! I am not talking about metaphors right? I may have the nicotine by just inhaling but not the rush!




Apr. 19th, 2006 01:34 am
sleep


Just finished bench press on the rubber ball. How can you possibly call it bench press if you're on a ball? Ball presses? I have been following my fitness instructor/friend/e-i-c men's health philippines advice regarding keeping fit. Since I am not a born gym goer, then he told me to bring the gym at home. So far, it has been working. Honestly, I don't know for how long. I hope it is going to be for life. I really don't want to stop and watch other guys in envy everytime I go to boracay. Sigh!

I'm actually sleepy now.

Still have to drink my protien...





Apr. 18th, 2006 11:45 pm
i am what i am


Just finished downloading a disco remix album. Accidentally, my favorite "To Deserve You" by B. Middler is there. I have been looking for this song since my mentor had me hear it back in 96. It was from the album Bette of Roses. The song somehow reminded me of how I should take it whenever I like somebody. This was ten years ago.

And now I found the dance remix from the soundtarck of Q as F. On the bottom part of the album is "I am what I am", another remix. It brings me to the current situation where I am in. I am seeing this person who I am beginning to be really fond of. Almost perfect as I would expect a partner. Yeah, there are some glitches, punches, shortcomings... in other words... the picture of the ideal is not there. Then again, who am I to complain? Nobody will fit the picture anyway. I made it so ideal so I can still say that my standards are so high in everything. Though ideally, these ideal standards are not set in stone. I am not that crazy to actually follow them. I just need a peg.

Pegs usually are tearsheets that approximates the picture that you are going to do. That's how we do it in the magazines. In my three years (or more) in the industry, I barely use tearsheets for my shoots. Ironically, I would have pegs for something serious-- a partner perhaps. Ok, a lover.

So there this person is. Almost like the peg but not quite. Yet I am perffectly ok with itl. It might work... this time. Until, my peg asks me to be perfect. I smoke, I spend hours in the net, I go out with friends, I work, I can be idle, I can be super-sensitive, I can be a fairy (make it Titania maybe), I can be a bore, I can me a mascot, I can be a lot of things that I like to do and become. Operative phrase-- I like to be and become. Stress on I LIKE. now, I'm being asked to delete my account in a site (which I did by the way) and stop smoking. Then I asked, what if I won't do it, what's going to happen?

"You will be at a disadvantage."

Now, I can't understand this really. Am I on the rubber-acrylic track oval? Is this a 40 kilometer marathon? Or maybe a decathlon?

I reinstated my account. I still smoke. And yeah, nobody puts me to a disadvantage. Only myself. Only if I choose to...

As the song continues to play now, it makes me realize a lot of things. I have gone far enough to deserve somebody. I just hope this person will reflect on the song that I heard ten years ago for I am singing a different song now.





Apr. 17th, 2006 10:24 pm
back to work


Its Monday again. Admittedly, I hated the holy week (last week) here in Manila. If only the malls are open Thursday and Friday, it could have been perfect. It made me desperate last Thursday and hopeless the following day. While all my other friends are out of sight.

Holy week spelled as va-ca-tion or out-of-town seems to have gained popularity in this ever frantic world of the working class. Next to Christmas, it is the longest break from work one can ever get. Next to Christmas, it is the most expensive time of the year too. To a lot, planning starts right away after Christmas. To a lot, it has to be somewhere far-- translated as-- BEACH. The only beach in Manila is somewhere along the shores of Manila Bay-- YUCK!


So I was left alone last holy week. Thank God for Carlo and Lloyd who provided me company the whole time. Oh, I was not alone really... yet I feel so alone. I don't know why. I could have slept the entire weeken but I just couldn't. Anxiety maybe. Longing for something. Or maybe someone. Or maybe myself. Thats the effect of vacation for me. Spelled as Holy Week.

As of now, it has to take the back seat again. It's Monday. Got to work again.




Apr. 14th, 2006 02:00 am
to miss


The sound my old electric fan makes reminds me of my old room in cubao. Peach. Of all color, it was a combination of peach and orange. At least it's not peach and apple or violet or citron, rather, it's orange.

I had a liking for orange when I was studying in PSID. Next to my favorite color (scarlet) which I can barely use for interiors, orange was the next best thing. Until now, after practicing for about five years, I still haven't used the color. Maybe, I never will.

One, orange being a secondary pure color makes it hard to adjust to other elements inside the room. Two, You can hardly mix it with other interiors other than Asian (which is so mid nineties). Greek or medieval maybe, but then again, to a lot, greek is synonymous to blue. And three, it's not 'sophisticated'. As my old boss (stress on the old!) would always require us in our interiors.

Sophistication, on the other hand, is one word that I was not properly introduced to. I was made to believe that the simpler the life you have, the lesser are your problems. The lesser your problems, the better. Yet, when I got into this business of 'interior design', things changed... Let's make it more complicated for it to become sophisticated. The simple supper becomes dinner. From the spoon and fork partnership, it becomes a corporation of silvers having their plenary session everytime you eat. A blanket is not enough because you have to put a duvet or a foot blanket. Oh, don't forget the comforter, pillow and mattress protect, throw pillows for display (but never use them) etc. etc. etc. Do not forget to tuck them properly to achieve that hotel look. I'm guilty as hell...

Right now, I'm back with getting used to just the blanket. And I used the throw pillows as guard pillows against the wall so I won't hurt my elbow when I wrestle with the bogeyman. And yeah, I hear my electric fan. The very same electric fan I had before.

Thank God, my room is white with faint grayed lavender horizontal stripes. Ummmm, I know there is a much simpler color name for that....





Apr. 13th, 2006 10:11 pm
April 13 holy thursday

I went out today only to find out that everything is close. Even Megamall. I mean, what is happening?!?! SM should be open today. It's just Thursday! SM should be open everyday! Its SM!

I was in the cab a while ago with Carlo V. and we literally scoured the entire Metro Manila (Shaw- Podium-Megamall-Greenbelt-Landmark-Glorietta-Powerplant-Eastwood). Apparently, only McDonalds in Eastwood was open. I still cant get over the fact that they are actually closed.

If we base it on the Catholic belief that one should not work or do anything because Christ is dead, then it should be tomorrow. In fact, in the entire Christian history, nothing is so special during the Thursday before the crucifixion because they did nothing that day but eat dinner-- which of course was popularized by DaVinci as the Last Supper. And only after three in the afternoon of the Friday that one should stop working. This halt will go on until the sunrise of Easter. For only then, Christ rose from the dead.

Now, everybody stops working Thursday till Friday. Everything goes back to normal Saturday. Duh!?!

I get to ask myself, what do we observe really?




By the way, thanks to this holiday... I got to make this account for lack of anything else to do..