Sunday, June 10, 2007

standing on the cliff

I was in a niagara streak yesterday-- anything that can cause tears makes a downpour. It was unstoppable and surreal and well, tiring. Trying to relax myself, I watched Independence Day on GMA 7, it was of no help. I was in tears the whole time. At the end of the night, I ended up looking like garfield.

One thing very disturbing about it is that in anything I see on TV, I ended up criticizing- the couch, the lamp, or whatever object there is. Come the advertisement, I would imagine designing the set for it on how to make it better. Then I would stop and take hold of whatever I have left for my old self and yes... cry.


My friends told me I need a break from work. Maybe I should. Admittedly, I need it but reality meaning my bills, rent, mortgage etcetera etcetera will not allow me to. To continue working for at least four more years is what's required of me to do. Now, I have said before quoting from Wicked, "There are bridges you cross you didn't know you cross until you cross." What is this bridge that I have just crossed?

On the other side of it, I sure want to just drop everything and be on recluse for at least a year. Go back to my parents' house and live as quietly as I can. But of course, that is totally going against every single grain of my character. I was never like that even at the lowest point of my life.

Maybe a break is what I just need. Break meaning I will be working for an equivalent of two months compressed to one so a can take the next month's off.

Now, that will bring me to a breakdown.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

bionic eye... bionic man

When I was a kid, I had this wish of wanting to see more than what the others can see. Blame Superman's x-ray vision, it gave me the idea. This continued until now. Maybe its just plain voyeurism or something else. Or maybe the idea of being empowered just being able to see what others can't. Actually, maybe the idea of being ahead all the time. The desire to have an ace on your sleeve than just playing it fair and square.

"Hindi ako lalaban ng patas..." I would always declare.

If there is one thing about what playing chess has taught me, it's thinking at least three moves ahead your opponent. In life, I guess it will always be like that- thinking ahead of everybody else. Especially in the industry where I am. Life afterall is one big chessboard. Although a lot of my friends would call it- beauty contest.

And a few would call it- plain and simple- life. I wish I can be like that. Just calling it as it is. I'm getting tired. Yet, admitedly, it is fun a lot of times. I think I can still be part of the game...

"...kaya ko pa. Di ko naman sinabi na lalaban ako ng patas eh..."






Friday, June 01, 2007

yahoo messenger

Had this conversation from some stranger in the net last night. I have no idea what I have been up to or maybe I was just doing a Blanch DuBois--- seeking comfort in the company of strangers...

(I'm zlickker in YM)


Read on...



csarvil
what are you up to??
zlickker
now?
nothin
csarvil
cool
zlickker
you?
csarvil
friends...... possible partner...
zlickker
oh ok...
have you been dating?
csarvil
lately no.....
zlickker
why so?
csarvil
the last time i went on a date.... walng ngyari......
you??
zlickker
dating
csarvil
cool
zlickker
for about 5 months now
csarvil
my dinadate ka na for 5 months??
zlickker
yep
csarvil
cool..... pero parang ang tgal naman ng dating period nyo....??
zlickker
wala lang... cant commit eh
the other person cant
csarvil
why??
zlickker
umm, ...with somebody else
csarvil
what are you doing???
waste of time..... waste of emotions....
better give it to someone else....
zlickker
... there are bridges you cross you did not know you cross until you cross...
im quite ok with the set-up now... quite...
its complicated as it is... and besides... i cant afford to give plenty of time for a relationship now... my work does not allow me to...
im sorry to disappoint you
csarvil
dissapoint me on what???? i mean its your choice....just be prepared to suffer whatever consequences that your choices might bring you at the end...
zlickker
im good... been to hell and back.
sigh
i sure can afford to step on fire with one foot again... and yeah.. too old for emotional dramas... sure there are other things more financially rewarding than just that....
sigh
damn.. i sure sound jaded
and yeah.. im not hurting the other party (i mean, the boyfriend). he is with his wife and kids...
csarvil
welll i guess you are really okay with the set up that you and your hopefully special someone have.....
zlickker
im not hoping really...

im not even sure if ill ever find that perfect one for me...
csarvil
how can you find that someone perfect for you??? you allow yourself to be stuck in a situation you know at the end you'll lose....
zlickker
its the point in my life that im pretty comfortable where i am (alone) and i have so many things to do and as long as im not inconvenienced, im ok.
not looking forward on how its going to end... im enjoying the moment as of now. tom will worry about itself
and yes... i only think about tomorrow when it comes to work... to which im really married to
csarvil
true filipino........BAHALA NA SYSTEM......
zlickker
all other attached to me except for work and family are but extra-marital affairs

csarvil
smiley
zlickker
im sorry... i know you disagree with me in so many ways.. and i cant understand why im pouring my heart to you right now... a stranger i dont even know...
please accept my apologies
csarvil
hahaha...... no need for apologies....
zlickker
smiley
cool


---end of conversation